When I was a kid they used to release classic Disney movies in theaters from time to time. One day, when I was four or five, my mother took me to see the classic deer coming-of-age tale Bambi. Everything was going great until a scene that traumatized many a young child: when Bambi’s mother got killed. My mother then had to have a long discussion with me about death. “Thanks, Disney” I could see my mother thinking. It’s not an easy discussion to have at any time but when you have the double trouble of adding a cute cartoon deer into the mix, it’s even worse. I very much equated Bambi’s mom with my own and it worried me. That’s why this SNL video starring The Rock is so satisfying. Dwayne Johnson stars as a grown up Bambi, back to take revenge for the death of his mom in a Fast and the Furious style trailer.
Vin Diesel stars as Thumper, Tyrese Gibson as Flower, and Michelle Rodriguez as the girl Bambi. They kick ass and take names. I’m not one for modern day SNL, but this is pretty solid.
How's your first week with Bloodborne gone? Swearily, probably, with lots of the You Died screen. But fear not. If you're getting your gonads skewered by demonic entities, Open World Games are here to help with some tip-tacular.
From Software's previous fare, the legendary Dark Souls and Demon's Souls, are not kind to beginners, and we had no reason to expect Bloodborne to be. And we were right, buddy boy, because it isn't. Think of it as gaming Monster Hunter style: you're given a little quick half-assed tutorial, and before you know it a raging Rathian is chewing on your scrote.
The spangly new PS4 exclusive is in the same boat. The early moments are the toughest, as you try to make sense of levelling and combat systems, menu-fiddling and orienting yourself in the Gothic city of Yharnam.
From the first boss, the Cleric Beast, this one means effing business. Before you get frustrated and leave what is in many ways a fantastic game, Check out this quick 'get your shit together' guide to starting Bloodborne the right way. The first boss, the mysteries of the Abandoned Doll and more.
Yep, Kaley Cuoco, we are proud of your body as well. You’ve been working out hard. We’ve been ogling hard. I’d say we’re both in fine working order now as it relates to your tight abs and those yum yums of yours you only slightly tease these days since you got married and signed the big contract. But we both know, you’ve got serious hot skin to show. The sextastic doesn’t care about business necessity or promises to spouses. This body years to be free. I mean yours, not mine. Mine fine in it’s solitary confinement.
I’d be naive not to notice the relationship to how much our favorite celebrities workout and how much skin and booty they show off after workouts when facing the paparazzi. And good for them I say. Without ego there is no Egotastic! We rely on the kindness of attention seeking strangers. Like Kaley Cuoco, and that firm body of hers that could probably use a firm but sensual massage post-workout. I’m warming my hands to 98.6 degrees as we speak. She’ll barely notice I’m there. Enjoy.
Mariah Carey never leaves home without her twins. No, not the kids. They’re somewhere being taken care of, rest assured, I think, maybe. The bigger point are the twin sweet teats big and proud on the forties and faptastic diva who was flashing her chestal skin in St. Bart’s over the weekend. If you’re going to flash your funbags, why not do it in the Caribbean? That’s kind of my motto.
Mariah’s been through a lot lately. She probably needs some kind of extended rub down involving powerful eucalyptus oils and the sweat of a randy masseuse. I happen to have both of those assets readily available. Mariah may not be the exact same woman she was twenty years ago, but I’m more than willing to help her find the places that are. It’s why I always keep a magnifying glass in my pocket. Next to the condoms I purchased in 2002. Man, that was a hopeful year. Enjoy.
The Boob Tube Roundup worthy content a tad bit light on cable this week as it is Easter or Spring Break or Passover or perhaps the Wiccan Day of the Pines. But, Shameless, like the true hero it is, came through with a number of wicked hot topless scenes including extensive views of Sasha Alexander topless and making the sexy, Shanola Hampton topless on a pool table, and Emily Bergl have gator clamps electrocute her funbags. What? That’s just not right.
I also had to add an ode to Alexandra Park and her slender hotness body in The Royals this past week. I won’t actually watch any show on E! for fear my bobos will decide to high tail it off my body for good, but Alexandra’s female form in red panties and bra definitely deserved some kind of shout out. Game of Thrones coming soon, my friends! Enjoy.
Mortal Kombat's Stryker is, frankly, a bit shit. Looking remarkably 'ordinary' compared to the rest of the cast, and having no powers of any kind, the cop is a real ill fit. No offense to fans of the guy, but he really does add a Village People air to the whole thing.
A much more sensible choice, natch, would be… a cowboy. Meet Erron Black.
I'm a little conflicted here. On the one hand, this guy's just as likely to break out into song ("Macho, macho man! I've got to be a macho man!"), but on the other he's more the Clint Eastwood, badass kind of cowboy. Most importantly for Mortal Kombat, he's a violent, violent bastard. The clip below showcases the new character, and he looks a ton of fun to play.
We can't blame him for the ballachingly cheesy pre-fight dialogue, that's just how these games work. After that, it's all gold. Sweet, sweet ridiculous gold. Those quick-shootin' combos? The 'throws' involving several speeding bullets to the face? That look-how-many-internal-organs-my-bullet-is-destroying x-ray attack? It'd be rude to refuse. Take a look, and judge the new boy for yourself.
Not to be outdone by her teen counterparts in the business, Bella Thorne braved the quite cold N.Y.C. environs to hit The View with a bare midriff bright colored show off outfit that caught the attention of Manhattan for ups to six city blocks. It’s quite the sacrifice by Bella; I hope she knows how much we appreciate the public performance. As for The View, you know I couldn’t bring myself to watch that bickering drivel.
Bella has really come into her own these past several months, already precocious and working from an early age, not to mention dating and jetting around the world with boys, currently Pam Anderson’s kid who she’s dating. But in terms of her public persona craft, this ginger has definitely figured out how the game works. Today’s game is ogling the starlet and girl in about ten different movies at the moment. I believe Bella has won this round. Enjoy.
I don’t know how to tell Dakota this, but Elle is not only right on her heels, she’s in high danger of passing the accomplishments of her older sister both onscreen and off, despite her generally modest demure. None of the Fanning girls are particularly showy in their general public appearance, but neither are into covering up either beyond the normal hippy chic standards. Which means at some point, when she’s of the proper age, you’ll probably see Elle in even less or lighter clothing than she currently rolls in now around town for lunches and workouts and all the other things I never got to do at her age.
In sharp contrast to those reality girls from Calabasas, Elle does seem quite content to be a high school student even while filming numerous movie features and being a general future bigger time celebrity in waiting. It’s amazing what kinds of time you might find when you’re not partying in the clubs late night or jetting off to Dubai for a dubious pimping trip with the family and cameras. She seems grounded. Also, rather pretty. Her future is mega bright for this pale wonder. We shall be watching. Enjoy.
I am of the opinion that Charlotte McKinney may be the hottest woman in America. If not #1 then certainly in the top 3. Exhibit A of my claim is this little ensemble she wore to practice for Dancing with the Stars. Those legendary funbags were prominently featured in a low cut crop top shirt with just a hint of sideboob. Who needs a bra when your boobs are that amazing? Mere mortals with lesser boobage, that’s who. Her bare mid-riff was also showing and it was glorious. I would very much like to lay my head on that belly. Why? Because either way you turn your head you are in for a visual treat. But let’s not forget about her legs in those shorty shorts. They are nicely toned thanks in no small part to all that dancing she’s doing.
While I’m not a fan of Dancing With The Stars, I really should start watching it to support my girl Charlotte. After all, we all need people to cheer us on even if we have bodacious ta-tas.
Ukrainian professional hot person Tetyana Veryovkina was looking sexy as F in a green thong bikini at the beach. Tatyana was going splashy splashy in the waves in a bikini top that could barely contain here Ukrainian melons. The result is plenty of sideboobage and some killer cleav. Tetyana has a really spectacular pair of ta-tas that look like they would be fun to play with. But what was really exciting was what was going on down south and around. Her booty is outstanding and you could see almost all of it thanks to a revealing thong. Her booty is a work of art. I would like a plaster mold of it to put above my mantle piece.
Bikini season is coming, y’all. It’s like Christmas only better because it involves boobs and you don’t have to spend it with your family.
The question I get asked most frequently is ‘Is there anything I should know about before we search you?’ The second is, ‘Hey, Bill, what are you watching online right now?’. Well, as you know, my work and my personal obsession over which I have no control remains sextastic celebrity females. I figured I’d answer the questions merely by showing you the last three vids I watched, all of them definitely must-sees, unless you’re a doctor about to cure cancer or know how to beat Kentucky in basketball, you’ve got the time.
Sharing means caring. So care a little bit about Victoria Justice crazy hot and braless sideboob, Nina Agdal pimping two pieces of barely there goodness, and Sylvie Meis and her Dutch girlfriends pushing her Hunkemoller lingerie panties and bras and garters. Hey, you asked what I was watching. Enjoy.
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